5 Things to Know Before You Get Married

A few weeks back, I celebrated my fifteen year wedding anniversary to my high school sweetheart, Rick. We were together for eight years before we married so we’re celebrating almost twenty-five years together. We’ve learned a LOT in that time. We’ve watched nearly all of our friends marry, have kids, and divorce. We’re the last ones standing so-to-speak, and since I’m occasionally asked for marriage advice, I thought maybe I’d share a little bit of what I end up telling those who ask. This mindset is what works for me, but I don’t pretend that I’m an expert an any way, but here goes.

  • Make sure you’re in love with the person and the vision of your future together, and not just in love with the idea of a wedding. If only I had a dollar for all the times I’ve heard young women wax on and on about their wedding and then look like a deer in headlights when I ask “what goals do you have after the wedding?” I strongly feel this is a common mistake with young women. We’re groomed from such an early age to dream about being married to our prince charming in the perfect gown and having our special day where we’re the most beautiful girl in the whole world. The reality is that your wedding day zooms by so fast you hardly remember it later and what’s left is a gorgeous gown, some amazing photos, and that person you wake up next to every morning for the rest of forever. That person is the reason to get married, not the gown, the reception, the gifts, or the attention. And not because he/she will give you a family, your own house, or financial security, or because you were told your whole life that you’re supposed to get married and have kids because that’s what grown-ups do, but because you are madly in love with them. Love is the reason to get married, and it’s the only reason because if you don’t have love, you won’t stay married for long. Promise.
  • You don’t get to tell the other what to do. Just because you got married doesn’t mean that you get to tell your husband where he can go with whom and for how long any more than he can tell you what to do, how to dress, and that you can’t have guy friends. To be married, you must trust. You must trust your husband to make the right choices, and when he fails (like we all do), be there to help him through that and recover from his mistakes. That’s the “better or worse” part of your vows. You don’t surrender your free will or agency when you get married. He is his own person and so are you. You each have your own identity. I don’t care where my husband goes or with whom, just as long as I know whether or not he’ll be home in time for dinner or if I should just pour myself some cereal because I’m lazy.
  • Don’t ever make your spouse choose between you and their family. Sometimes loyalty can get tricky. When a situation arises that puts your spouse in a tough spot, don’t make it harder by putting them in the position of having to take sides. No one will win this way. I’m not saying you have to swallow genuine feelings to maintain harmony, but there is a graceful way to let your feelings and expectations be known without making your spouse feel like they’re being pulled in two directions. There are times to let it go, and there are times when you must quietly and firmly stand your ground and say “I am your wife/husband, and I deserve xyz. I need you to back me up this time.” Choose your battles, and choose diplomacy over war every time you can.
  • It’s going to be fucking hard sometimes. Marriage is work. For some, it’s constant work, for others it’s easier. I had a friend tell me once after being married for a short time, “This is too hard, it shouldn’t be so much work. He should just sweep me off my feet all the time.” Um, NOPE. I wish, but no. All these RomComs  and Disney movies have addled our female brains about the nature of true love and commitment. I guarantee you will have to put in effort to make your marriage happy and to make it last. Some days you won’t like your spouse at all. Sometimes, things are said and done that take a long time to heal and be forgiven for. We’re human after all, and sometimes we hurt those we love the most. My advice here is to be present, be accountable, and be compassionate. Own up to your half of the argument. Validate your spouse’s feelings. Listen to them. Support them, and help them grow and change to be a better person. Recognize when YOU need to grow and change to become a better person. We all need those closest to us to call out our bullshit and help us see ourselves for who we really are. The trick is to come out of that process with the love you took into it. Being humble in marriage is key.
  • Never stop talking and sharing. It’s cliché, but love, trust, and communication really are the bedrocks of a happy marriage (in my experience anyway). You need to laugh together and hold space for each other. You need to be emotionally available to your spouse and be comfortable sharing any and all feelings whether good or bad. You need to be able to hash out the hard stuff and appreciate the accomplishments. A strong foundation of love, trust, and communication will help you build a true partnership, and give you comfort in that you have a partner that you can always count on no matter what happens in life. As long as you’re both committed to the marriage and have love, you can work through the tough times and come out stronger and more in love than before. That’s a reward I feel many marriages don’t experience because we are a culture of giving up. I’m certainly not saying you should stay in a relationship that’s abusive in any way, but you must be honest about what marriage is really about. Sometimes it’s painful and uncomfortable, but if you have a core of love, trust, and communication, you can overcome as a team. Together. And believe it or not, your love for your spouse grows even deeper after you weather the trials together.

Then and Now, Prom ’94, and October ’14

What relationship advice has worked for you? Do you have wisdom to share? I always have something to learn, so share your tips in the comments.

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Chick Chat: Let’s Catch Up!

Hey friends! 2016 has been a whirlwind and we’ve been busy, busy, busy! Seriously – how is it the end of September already? We wanted to take this opportunity to catch up with you guys – let you know what we’ve been up to and hopefully you’ll share a bit with us too.

vicname1

It’s been one big long year of change for me. As many of you know, my father passed away in February after a 10 month battle with leukemia, my office moved and job responsibilities shifted (again.) But earlier this month, our biggest change arrived- all 8 lbs. 1 oz. of him.

vicandjoe
On Sept. 7, my husband and I met the light of our lives, our son Joseph Luis. Since then it’s been a whirlwind of nursing, round the clock schedules and everything baby. We’re happily exhausted and feeling a bit more confident each day. I’m on maternity leave through the end of the year, and once cleared by the doctor, I’ll be easing my way back into a fitness regimen. Stay tuned as I explore this incredible new chapter in life.

kylename1

Life snapshot: Work, wedding planning, exercising, hosting football parties, choir, dogsitting all the time, playing with my cat, trying to eat healthy, sleeping… maybe. Basically, right now I feel like Leslie Knope, trying to do all the things at once and still have everyone like me at the end of the day. What my life requires at this moment is lists, boundaries, compartmentalization and coffee. Lots of coffee.

kyleleslieknope

Exercising and eating healthy (and sleep, I guess) help keep me feeling physically good and give me the energy to put in to all of my other endeavors. Wedding planning is going well, but I’m always looking for more ideas and ways to create a budget friendly celebration. I’ve had to step back from a few commitments in the last month or so because I realized that they 1. were causing me too much undue stress, and 2. were making things I loved way less fun.

Don’t keep that kind of negativity in your life, friends. Just don’t.

Setting boundaries and protecting your heart and happiness is easy to say and hard to do, but super important and something I’m working on getting better at. That’s the underlying focus of all the things I’ve got going on in life at the moment!

jennname1

My life has been dominated by one big thing, looking for a new home. There have been some changes in our neighborhood recently, so we’re cashing out our equity and downsizing to something that gives us more freedom to live. We want to work to live, not live to work just to pay for our stuff that we don’t use anyway. Since I don’t have children, the options are wide open. We’re even talking about buying a 5th wheel and living out of that while we sock away a few years of income. Just about everything is on the table!

Maybe this will be my backyard!

Maybe this will be my backyard!

After reading “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying-up“, I’m on a mission to purge. You should totally read it too because it was life-changing. After reading it, I have the tools I need to par down my possessions and my life so I can focus on family, fitness, writing, and finishing my novel. Only good things are ahead!

mername1

While Jenn has been busy considering a new home, my family and I are on the other side of… things? The fence? The grass? Is there a saying here that I’m forgetting?

Anyway, we’ve been finding our new routine in our new home. The summer felt like one big pool party (possibly because we have a pool in our yard now). Now my kids are getting their new school routines down while I figure out the best days to do laundry, go food shopping, volunteer, etc. I’m a type A to the extreme so I thrive with plans, lists (fist bump, Kyle!), and other things that make me feel like I’m in charge of it all.

pookandmer

Training for a couple of upcoming 10ks and the Philly half marathon is going well. I’m injury free, thank goodness, and planning on staying that way. Really focusing on spending time with my family and trying to enjoy the moments that are going so fast and ignore the fact that my 11 year old is going to be taller than me very soon. Looking forward to all that fall has offer: crisp air, snuggly attitudes, and cute Target decorations!

camname1

 Now that grad school is over and done with, I have effectively learned how to say no to additional responsibilities and freed up all kinds of time to do whatever I like…said no Cam ever.  Yeah, all that time I freed up graduating has now been officially assigned to work and soccer.  I have a 3/4 combination class, a new principal, and new math AND reading curriculum to learn.  My days are literally packed with preparing for the next lessons.  A combo class has forced me to plan and organize EVERYTHING or else I have 30 kids staring at me while I lose my shit.

soccer

I’ve also sold my sole (ha ha, get it?) to soccer.  My guy is coaching so I’m splitting my time between playing Ms. Coach and carting my daughter to her practices, which are on the same nights at a park on the complete opposite side of town.  All this mommy stuff is putting the brakes on my fitness goals, though I did just finish a 6 week transform class where I lost 6% of my body weight and lots of inches.  So that was nice.  With Hawaii Ragnar just around the corner, there’s no time to slack off.  Looks like I’ll be hitting the field with the kids!
So, what’s the haps with you? We’d love to hear from you in the comments!

Adventure Is Out There!

I am of the firm belief that when you go on vacation for any amount of time you come back home with a renewed sense of self and purpose. You see things differently when you’re on vacation. You notice little things that you might not otherwise. And when you return home, it carries over into every day life as you slide back into the routine.

Jay (my husband of 13 years and only #relationshipgoal for the past 19 years) and I have always enjoyed traveling and visiting new and different places. We don’t get it do it nearly often as we’d like because as you’re probably well aware, travel is not exactly cheap. At least not the way we do it. But we have had some incredible adventures!

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2000 – cruise while we were in graduate school

2004 - Spain selfie on a legit camera (check out the blonde!)

2004 – Spain selfie on a legit camera (check out the blonde!)

Babymoon cruise while pregnant with my second baby.

Babymoon cruise while pregnant with my second baby.

Our most recent adventure has been years in the making. Yes, years.

Practically since we’ve been together Jay has been traveling to Switzerland (and in more recent years, Germany) with his company for business trips. I’ve heard countless stories about these countries, drooled over pictures, and gotten many souvenirs – usually of the chocolate variety.

The stars aligned this year and it was finally my turn to go on holiday (doesn’t that sound so European?) with him. We haven’t had the opportunity to travel alone together for awhile; it was really awesome to spend 10 days of Schmoopy time together.

During our visit we hopped from Zurich airport to Germany for 5 days and back to Switzerland for 5 days. On our way back to Switzerland we took a brief, unexpected drive through Austria. It amazes me how you can do that in Europe!

But enough of me prattling on, you want to see pictures, don’t you?

mineau

Our first day was spent at Mainau Island, which is a Botanical Garden off of Lake Constance in Germany. Our main goal this day was to stay awake. It was not easy but the scenery definitely helped!

All tomatoes shall be grown!

All tomatoes shall be grown!

That's not an optical illusion, you can see right through the butterfly's wings!

That’s not an optical illusion, you can see right through the butterfly’s wings!

After finally sleeping and getting over jetlag (staying awake the first day really did help), we visited Bavaria to see Castles Hohenschwangau and Neuschwanstein.

Hohenschwangau

From the window of Castle Hohenschwangau.

From the window of Castle Hohenschwangau.

Hanging in the castle garden.

Hanging in the castle garden.

hike

The hike between these castles was about 20 minutes long and we hoofed it back and forth between each. Although it was gray and raining much of the day, the views were spectacular!

neuschwanstein

Castle Neuschwanstein’s design and architecture largely inspired both Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella’s castles in Disney. Rightly so!

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Our home base in Germany was Ravensburg and after driving to visit the Castles, we decided to do things around the city on our 3rd day. Ravensburg is home of Museum Ravensburger, an interactive museum dedicated to puzzles and games.

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merpenguin

I made a friend!

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gamepiece

puzzlepieces

Since we were hanging around our “home turf” and Ravensburg is known as the city of “towers and gates” we decided it would only be appropriate that we visited the Blaserturm, located at the center of town.

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Well done, Ravensburg!

Well done, Ravensburg!

topoftheworld

For our final full day in Germany, we decided to drive to Munich. It wasn’t exactly close by but Jay had heard about the Rathaus-Glockenspiel in the center of town and he was really looking forward to checking out the show.

From there we spent the rest of the day walking around the city, shopping for souvenirs, and taking a riding tour on a double decker bus. When we were in Spain we used them a lot to get from point A to B to C and decided to take advantage once again!

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Marienplatz

munichfountain

munichpark

As we were traveling to Switzerland the next day, we decided to make it an earlier night, eat locally in Ravensburg and hang out back at our hotel (Hotel Obertor).

hotelobertor

Next up, Switzerland! But that will have to wait for Monday’s post. See you soon, world travelers!

Where have you traveled lately? What is on your travel bucket list?