Once upon a time, I really worked hard on blog posts. My vision for posts was to be relatable and witty: Scoot a Doot has always been a place to share my fitness journey and also tap in to my inner thoughts and emotions that went along with that journey.
Somewhere along the way, I lost the writing spark. Over the past few years, I’ve noticed the shift from blogging to platforms like Instagram. An eye catching picture, a thoughtful post, a pretty sound way to communicate and connect with like-minded folks.
I’ve been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff the past few months (including the global pandemic) and I need a place to delve into it. When the going is good, it’s easy to blog. When the going isn’t so great, I struggle to share.
Because I’m the strong one.
Because I’m a people pleaser.
Because I’m the one who carries the weight of the world on my shoulders and usually I do a pretty good job with it.
Until I can’t.
Until I’m not.
And right now, I’m not.
The past few months have been pretty awful for me. Not many people outside of my inner circle know this but after doing everything “right” and basically living in isolation for a year, I wound up with Covid (in between getting my first and second vaccines). My family also had Covid.
I currently have sick family members.
I haven’t seen my parents in over a year and a half.
I’m beyond overwhelmed by life and actually going out into the world. Being around people after a year of keeping my circle super small scares the crap out of me.
This past week it all came crashing down. The uncertainty of life and the anxiety became too much for me to rationally work through. I had multiple panic attacks. My thoughts raced in a million directions at the same time. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t stop crying.
This is not me. I’M. NOT. ME.
And I knew I needed help. My husband also heard me when I said I needed help and called our primary care physician for me. I verbalized my need for help and thank goodness, I was heard. I’m surrounded by people who are helping me.
I’ve started on medication and plan to follow up this week with multiple doctors.
I’ve let things go that were able to be handed over to very capable people.
And I’m leaning so hard on my people right now.
A week ago I was here… and everything was good in that moment. Instagram worthy.
Now I’m struggling. It’s not nearly as bad as it was a few days ago (because you know, medication) but it’s still a struggle.
And I just wanted to share this because I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m not alone. Neither are you.
I’m taking this time to concentrate on healing and getting better. Writing this helps and I’m grateful for the platform. Right now, I’m not okay, but I will be.
Sending you all of my love. I am so thankful that you have people in your corner and you are getting help to be more you <3
Katy, you know that I’m so grateful to have you right there in my corner. Thank you for always being there! ooo
Sending you so much love. I am glad that you have people in your corner giving you the help and support you need. That’s not always the case.
I also hope you are recovering well from COVID. That’s so scary. I know the toll it has taken on many friends of mine that are runners, so I hope your recovery is coming along well and you are being patient with yourself.
Let me know if you need anything.
I appreciate your comment and love so much, KJ. Thank you. Recovery from COVID has been okay in the physical sense (not 100% but I’ll get there). The emotional toll has definitely hit hard so I’m just focused on what I can control, what I can let go, and what I can hand to others and know that they’ll take care of things. ooo
I’ve been struggling tremendously with anxiety and I wrote about it last month (I’m sharing my post in the box below). You are definitely not alone! I also started medication and am feeling better but not anywhere near normal. Interestingly, people who read my post called me ‘brave’ for sharing. I don’t feel brave. I just wanted to talk about it. This past year has been awful. I hate that COVID continues to spread. I hope you are feeling better. Please feel free to reach out to me privately, if you want to commiserate. Hang in there.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, Wendy. I’ll definitely be swinging by your post too. The not anywhere near normal feeling is very overwhelming, isn’t it? I don’t feel brave either – I feel vulnerable and that’s a scary place to be. I’m definitely better than I was a few days ago and working my way to better; I hope you are too and I’m here always for you. ooo
I really appreciate your raw honesty here and I really appreciate how clearly you care for so many others. It is a heavy burden, but a shining light for those who are touched by such care.
I really hope everybody gets better and their health is safe. It is so frustrating and irritating that even those who try the hardest and set the best example fall prey to this illness.
I commend you and am inspired for your ability to lean on those around you and seek help. I am very similar in my need to please others and often think about myself once it’s too late. Sometimes my pride stops me from taking the necessary steps for my well-being. I wish you the best and look forward to more of your Instagram posts and blog posts!
Thanks so much for swinging by and reading, Ben. I truly appreciate it. The more I talk about it and the more I connect with others, I realize just how many of us are dealing with these types of feelings. Wishing you all the good things as well – let’s make self-care and ourselves the priority!
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