Once upon a time, I really worked hard on blog posts. My vision for posts was to be relatable and witty: Scoot a Doot has always been a place to share my fitness journey and also tap in to my inner thoughts and emotions that went along with that journey.
Somewhere along the way, I lost the writing spark. Over the past few years, I’ve noticed the shift from blogging to platforms like Instagram. An eye catching picture, a thoughtful post, a pretty sound way to communicate and connect with like-minded folks.
I’ve been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff the past few months (including the global pandemic) and I need a place to delve into it. When the going is good, it’s easy to blog. When the going isn’t so great, I struggle to share.
Because I’m the strong one.
Because I’m a people pleaser.
Because I’m the one who carries the weight of the world on my shoulders and usually I do a pretty good job with it.
Until I can’t.
Until I’m not.
And right now, I’m not.
The past few months have been pretty awful for me. Not many people outside of my inner circle know this but after doing everything “right” and basically living in isolation for a year, I wound up with Covid (in between getting my first and second vaccines). My family also had Covid.
I currently have sick family members.
I haven’t seen my parents in over a year and a half.
I’m beyond overwhelmed by life and actually going out into the world. Being around people after a year of keeping my circle super small scares the crap out of me.
This past week it all came crashing down. The uncertainty of life and the anxiety became too much for me to rationally work through. I had multiple panic attacks. My thoughts raced in a million directions at the same time. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t stop crying.
This is not me. I’M. NOT. ME.
And I knew I needed help. My husband also heard me when I said I needed help and called our primary care physician for me. I verbalized my need for help and thank goodness, I was heard. I’m surrounded by people who are helping me.
I’ve started on medication and plan to follow up this week with multiple doctors.
I’ve let things go that were able to be handed over to very capable people.
And I’m leaning so hard on my people right now.
A week ago I was here… and everything was good in that moment. Instagram worthy.
Now I’m struggling. It’s not nearly as bad as it was a few days ago (because you know, medication) but it’s still a struggle.
And I just wanted to share this because I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m not alone. Neither are you.
I’m taking this time to concentrate on healing and getting better. Writing this helps and I’m grateful for the platform. Right now, I’m not okay, but I will be.