This is definitely going to be a TMI post. But I’m okay with it if you are.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be one of those people who could just eat like a normal person and not worry about gaining ten pounds immediately. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I don’t even want to be skinny, I just want to be able to eat the food I love. And I love food. How could I not? I grew up sneaking rolls in my family’s Italian restaurant. And it just so happens my grandma makes the best berry custard pies on the planet. Seriously, they’re magic. This culinary-rich childhood has led to an extreme appreciation for really, really good food. Unfortunately, the metabolism gods hate my guts.
My Body Back session is wrapping up and I’ve already enrolled in the class again. I’ve lost about 10 pounds in 8 weeks. Which I’m fine with because I’m stronger today than I was 8 weeks ago. What I’m not fine with is the fact that I’ve lost and gained over 100 pounds during my twenties and thirties. I’ve tried every fad diet known to mankind and I’ve been pretty successful with some of them but I always revert back to my old eating comforts. I’ve come to the reluctant realization that those comforts have to be replaced if I’m ever going to maintain a body I’m healthy in. Forgoing my favorite foods has been incredibly hard for me. My family IS food. Whether it’s crepes that taste just like my great grandma’s or homemade pizza from a secret recipe, every family memory I have is wrapped in a meal. How can I just give that up?
Well, my future satisfaction with my life depends on it. Because right now, I’m not satisfied with the quality of that comfortable life. My energy levels suck. Dairy has declared war on my intestines. I’m medicated for depression and medicated for the side effects of depression medication. I’m pre-diabetic and anemic. And all I want to do is comfort myself with a giant, cheesy, slightly burnt piece of pizza.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my cravings for comfort food. I don’t know if I SHOULD get over them. Part of me wants to scream fuck it and eat a damn piece of pizza. And then some cake and coffee. Because I’ve worked really hard these last two months. I deserve it.
Another part of me knows these foods will actually provide very little comfort, especially all that dairy. How do I find new comforts? How does this become a life change? How do I come to terms with the stuff on the inside so I can be comfortable with the outside? When will I stop being tired?
The key word here is change.