Putting Up a Fight

I like to do things the hard way. I would list all the things I do the hard way, but we would be here for a long time, and who wants that? Not me, and probably not you.

But lately – well, probably longer than lately – I have been struggling with my weight. Like a full out tug-of-war with the scale, with food, with my body. And I know I’m making it harder than it needs to be. I know that I am making it bigger than it needs to be, because in the grand scheme of things I need to lose 10 pounds. That’s it. It’s not a lot, and I still fit in all of my clothes, and I don’t think people I know think to themselves, wow, she’s really let herself go. If they do think that, I hope I never realize it.

My anaconda don't...want to be this big.

This is how I walk down the street. Just kidding. Kind of. 

I’ve talked about this before here, so none of this will be news, but it’s something I’m continuing to grapple with and sometimes I just have to put it out in the universe so that I can make heads and tails of it. I am slim by nature, but having a baby wreaked havoc on my body. I think to some degree it’s still in trauma mode. Maybe some hormones are evening themselves out. Maybe my metabolism is just different.

Whatever the case, I can’t eat like I used to. I can’t step on the scale (which I do too, too many times per day), grimace at the number, and just cut back on my calories for a few days until things get back to normal. The struggle with the number on the scale is a much tougher one now and I resent that. I resent that I’m 145 pounds instead of 135. I resent that I catch my reflection as I pass by a mirror or a window and my gut reaction is ugh. I hate that 10 pounds is dictating how I view myself as a whole. But it is, and I either have to say “fuck it” (excuse my French, I am practicing for Paris in December) and be okay with this new body, or I have to fight against it.

I am going to be very honest and say that my choice right now is to fight against it.

Sugar-fight-fight-fight

I realize, on some rational level that is buried beneath all of my irrational, illogical, vain levels, that my body isn’t terrible. That I am not defined by how big my thighs or butt are, or what jiggles when I run. But I think that maybe I’m just not there yet. And for what it’s worth, my diet could absolutely be better, so it’s about both losing weight so I can be skinny again (there’s the vanity part of it) and about feeling good about what I’m feeding my body (healthy thoughts!). It’s 70% about being skinny and 30% about being healthy, but hey. We all have to start somewhere, right?

I’m starting South Beach phase 1 today because my mom recommended it and I am clueless when it comes to diets otherwise. Bye, carbs. I loved you. And sugar. You were cool, too.

Sometimes I like to use this blog as a bit of a diary so that I can see if anyone else feels some of the things I do. I am introverted by nature and can get so caught up in my hamster wheel of a brain that I lose track of what makes sense and what doesn’t. So I use you all, along with my trusty friends and husband (who is so sick of hearing about this that I can no longer talk to him about it), as my barometer for where I am on the scale of hey, that’s normal and Dude.

 

Anyone else struggling with some stubborn poundage? Do you have words of advice? Or woulds of encouragement? Healthy snack ideas or recipes?! I will take them all! 

14 thoughts on “Putting Up a Fight

  1. Totally struggling. I am the only person on earth who can run eight or ten or twelve miles and gain five pounds. And not from eating all the things afterward either. I have been training for half-marathons on and off for the last three years, and the scale has only risen, even as I monitor calories and don’t eat more than 1400-1500 per day. I have the world’s worst metabolism, and it sucks. So I have zero words of advice, just commiseration. Good luck to you!

    • Ah, we’re in the same boat! After I did the Disney Half last month, I expected to come home, step on the scale, and see a loss. I mean, 13 EFFING MILES. But yeah, I gained. I was so irritated. And I know muscle weighs more than fat, blah blah, but running also burns calories so I was definitely expecting SOME movement on the scale. It’s just annoying. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s something that nags at me every day.

  2. I cannot be a judge of normal or not since I seem to have the same/similar issues (okay, so let’s call it perfectly normal!!) 🙂
    I really need to just focus on putting the right stuff in my body – because it’s not a matter of me putting too much in my mouth, I just don’t put enough good stuff in. It’s super important since I have ya know, “health issues” but…it’s so HRD!!!
    Good Luck Beautiful!!!

    • It’s the same for me – I don’t think I overeat at all, it’s just that the choices I make aren’t the best. I do too much processed, too many carbs, too much sugar, too much soda (ugh, I love soda). I’m on day 2 of my diet and completely miserable, but I’m hoping that’s just my body craving all the bad crap and that it’s temproary.

      Good luck to you too! We can do it!

  3. I’m sorry you’re struggling 🙁 Honestly, I don’t weigh myself. Ever. I don’t count calories. It’s not something I can do reasonably, without spiraling into some really unhealthy behaviors, and so I have just eliminated it from my life. Do I have a great body? Not in the SI Swimsuit Ediiton kind of way. But this body is strong and it runs and it’s healthy, and with every year that passes, the more and more ok with that I am. Hang in there.

    • Thanks, Jenn. <3 I vacillate between being like "screw this, my body is what it is and I need to love it" and where I'm at now, which is that I'm just…not happy with it. I feel brainwashed about it because I know it's some subconscious thing where I feel like I'm not worthy if I don't have the perfect body (thanks, media), but I just really want to get to a point with my weight where I don't feel uncomfortable in my own body. It sucks that 10 pounds can do that to me, but I guess that's my reality now.

      I wish I could throw out my scale, though! I hate that thing, but am fully dependent on it.

  4. I totally struggle with the same. I let the fact that I need to lose 20 pounds define me. And I hate that I do that. It makes me want to eat more when I think about it. I just need to stop eating all the crap and start exercising more. That’s all. So easy right? Then why haven’t I done it yet?!

    • Bonnie, I hear you. I think so many of us struggle with this exact same thought: It’s easy, so why am I not doing it? I think it’s just a matter of jump-starting a new way of life, and with everything else that’s going on in our lives, we think we don’t have time. but we definitely have to make time for ourselves in this way, because it keeps us healthy!

      Let me know if you figure out the secret to getting started. I’m still searching for it. 🙂

  5. Ugh, I’m so with you. It’s like 7-10 lbs, and it just irritates me. It nags at me. I know I can lose it because I’ve lost 60 stinking pounds before – including that 10 – and yet I just am not doing it. Some days I’m not even trying. I wish I could be all about the whole/raw foods, but they just bore me. And probably more importantly, they bore the boyfriend, and I’ve been trying to lose that same 7-10 since I met him a year and a half ago…

    Alright, complaining over. Just know it’s SO normal, and we’re all with you!

  6. I could have written this whole post myself. I wonder- am I just at the age where I can’t eat cookies? Because that’s crap. I’ve really struggled since Jack was born- I hit pre-pg weight at 10 months post and it was damn hard (like, eating healthy and exercising 5 days a week, AND NURSING), and I gained a bit back almost immediately. (with the girls I was below pre weight at 6 months eating all the things, so this was not my norm. Blah.) I feel like a whiner, because it’s just about 7 pounds, but my clothes feel different, and waaah, sometimes I need to whine. Text meeee and we can complain together.

  7. First things first, you can do this. And if you need South Beach tips, I can totally hook you up. I’ve done SBD more than once 🙂 But secondly, remember that the closer you are to your ideal body weight, the harder it can be for that weight to come off. And post-baby weight has it’s own set of challenges. So, while 10 pounds may not sound like ‘a lot’, it can be. And that isn’t to try and deter you, it’s just to say that each weight loss journey, 10 pounds or 100 pounds, is unique and personal and difficult in it’s own way. Also, that 70/30 split you’re rocking? Normal. Totally normal. It may take some time, but you’ll find what works for you.

    If you ever need someone to bounce food ideas off of, or just want to bitch about the lack of carbs in your life, you know where I am <3

  8. I stepped on the scale for the first time in like 6 months and WHOA!!!! I’ve been trying to lose the same 15-20 pounds for years now and it just won’t go away. Weight Watchers was the best and got me down to within 3 pounds of my goal, but then it crept back up again, AS IT ALWAYS DOES. So I’m right there with ya sister. And I don’t have the excuse of “baby body”, this is all on me. Way more on me than I would like. I tried SB and it just was not right for me, especially with constantly working out. But who knows, it may just what you need to flip that switch. Good luck! I’m right here cheering you on! 🙂

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