I am…

Part of why I am a blogger, and a writer, in the first place is that having a forum to pour my emotions into, good or bad, helps me to process whatever I am going through or whatever I have going on. Regardless of how many people read, turning my feelings into words is cathartic.

And right now? I need some damn catharsis. Or something. I really need something. I need to vent and let it all hang out. 

Here at Scoot A Doot, we tend to keep the posts fairly light and positive. Sure, we talk about things like being busy moms trying to fit in exercise, or runs that we struggled through. But mostly, upbeat. And we’re generally a pretty perky bunch of chicks, so the positive nature of the posts is a natural extension of us.

This is not one of those posts. This post was hard to write, and will likely be hard to read. It’s raw and uncomfortable and uncensored and painful. And necessary, for me. So here goes…

I Am

I am… many things, to many people. I am a good listener. I am an amazing cook. I am a hard worker. I am funny. I am kind. I am generous.

I am… morbidly obese. I hate that phrase. It’s ugly and humiliating and harsh and accurate. I am literally so overweight that it’s killing me. Slowly, but still. The reality of my situation is that if I don’t change it, I will die younger than I should. I will rob my children of their mother, and my husband of his wife, far before I ever expected and far before I have a right to.

I am… sick. I have High Blood Pressure. My joints ache, all the time. My back hurts. I have trouble sleeping. I get winded walking up a flight of stairs. And when I work out or run? Everything hurts.

I am… tired. Truly exhausted. Physically and mentally, the act of carrying around this weight every day is so unbelievably tiring.

I am… angry. At myself. I know this serves no purpose, but I am so damn angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I am absolutely furious at myself for letting every ten-pound milestone that I swore I wouldn’t cross come and go.

I am… addicted. To food. I come from a long line of addicts. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. I’ve lost so many people far too early because they were ruled by their addictions. I have been fighting this addiction since I was ten years old.

I am… terrified. That I will join them. That I don’t have enough strength to conquer my own addiction. That I will fight my whole life, only to fail.

I am… sad. I am missing out on parts of my life that I will never get another shot at. I avoid air travel because I’m afraid I won’t be able to fit in the seat. I’ve flown once in the past twelve years, and had to ask for seat belt extenders. I was miserably uncomfortable and the thought of going through that is enough to make me never want to fly again.

I am… disappointed. In myself. I was supposed to be a better role model for my children. My son is now ten, and I see the beginnings of my battle in him every day. He is already struggling with weight. And food.

I am… ashamed. I feel weak. And small. I can’t look in the mirror without cringing.

I am… in pain. Physically, sometimes, but mentally, always. This hurts. On my best days, and believe me, I have great days, there is still some part of me, deep down, that is hurting.

I am… in a bad place right now. I have times when I feel like I have a handle on things. Lately, I don’t.

I am… struggling.

I am… lost.

I am…349 pounds. This is not my heaviest weight. I have weighed as much as 391 pounds. Typing that out is agony. Not erasing it is almost impossible. But putting that out there in the world doesn’t make it real. It’s already real.

But…

I am… a good person. A good mother. A good wife. A good friend.

I am… trying. To get better. To feel better. To be better.

I am… strong. When I put my mind to it, I can do amazing things. I can do anything. I can do this.

I am… hopeful. I have seen people change their lives. I know that is it possible. I still have hope that I will be one of them.

I am… talking about it. Because no one wants to talk about what it’s like to be morbidly obese. Especially people that are morbidly obese. But not talking about it, making it a dirty, ugly, fat secret? That doesn’t help.

I am… determined. To keep trying. To keep going. Because the other option is letting myself be beaten by my own addiction. That is not an option.

I am…not done fighting. Ever. I may never win, but I will never quit.

I am… morbidly obese. But I don’t have to be.

I am… ready. For change. For hard work. For whatever it takes.

I am ready.

37 thoughts on “I am…

  1. I have a lot of things that I want to say in response to this – probably better said offline, but the big takeaway is that I hugely admire the strength and courage it takes to not only write this and share it, but also live with it day to day. I truly believe that you have the tenacity of heart and mind to make this change. It won’t be easy, it will take a while, but you’ve got an army at your back. You’re not alone. If you run out of hope or faith, you can borrow some of mine. We’re in this with you.

    • Thank you, Kyle. I may hit you up for some of both at some point, but right now, I’ve got a good supply. Largely in part due to people like you who reached out <3 And you can spam me with your long winded thoughts any time… that's kind of my favorite 🙂

    • Don’t cry! I mean, I totally did, but still 🙂 Thanks Julie! It was hard to say, but it really helped me to see it all down on paper.

  2. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. You are one courageous woman and you have the support of many people, friends & strangers alike! Keep fighting and pushing through… you’re a warrior and an inspiration to so many! Thank you for posting this!

    • Thank YOU! The support I received from this was nothing short of amazing. I’m in awe of the kindness of people today.

  3. You are true inspiration. You posses the heart and passion of a true champion. You are battle weary, but you have such an amazing support system to carry you through the hardest parts. I love that you don’t use your genetics as a crutch… I too, come from a family of addicts and several close family members are bi polar. We use this knowledge to push us forward, to show our true strength despite our weaknesses and this is why you WILL win, because everyday you fight for yourself and the change you need, you win.

    • I just teared up reading this. It is such an incredible experience to put something like this out into the world and to get back such immense support. Thank you!

  4. You are so strong and so courageous. You are an inspiration to so many, me included. I am proud to call you my friend and know I am here for you – through good and bad!

  5. Thanks so much for this post, Bec. I really admire your candour and courage in sharing this. It’s also really prompted me to reflect on how I deal with obesity and addiction to food as a medical student.

    <3

    • That’s awesome! I’ve been lucky to come across medical professionals that have given me good advice and much needed information 🙂 Thank you!

  6. You are effing amazing, Bec. I am so proud of you and of this post. Only you will ever know exactly how long and difficult your journey is, but know that we believe in you and love you and will cheer you on awlways. And when things don’t go the way you want, we’ll be here to offer a hand and pull you up. You can do it this, for your family but most of all, for yourself. I know it’s easy for me to say, but don’t be too hard on yourself. You have the desire, and you have time to make the changes you want. One day at a time, love. Then all those single days add up to weeks then months of results. The big picture can be overwhelming, but one day at a time is manageable.

    • Thank you so much, Jenn. You’re pretty effing amazing yourself and knowing I have people in my corner is truly such a help.

  7. Bec, thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability and your dark thoughts with the world. It takes such amazing strength to open yourself up in that way, and whether you know it or not, it shows just how amazing a warrior you are. Over the years, I have been lucky to get to know you better and I never cease to admire your positivity, your tenacity, and your humor in the face of well, life. Whenever you feel like the battle is beating you, just take a moment and remember all of these people here to support you. I don’t know if you watch or read Game of Thrones, but you, my dear, are close to Khaleesi in my book!

    • Thank you so much, Kate. Your words of support mean a lot <3 And I don't know who that is, but I'm totally looking it up!

  8. Thank you for being so honest, Eastie. I can’t imagine how hard it was to put these thoughts to paper, but you have so many people who support you and love you and will hold your hand through whatever you need to do. Me included!

    I read this on the HONY Facebook page and thought it was really sage (and universal) advice. I want to share it with you because I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed with the long-term goal and completely forget about the short-term goals that move us forward:

    “Instead of focusing on the million things you need to do to be successful, focus on two or three things you can do to move forward each day. The quickest way out of paralysis is a simple daily routine.”

    I love you! You are brave and beautiful.

    • I love you so, Westie. And what wonderful advice that is! I will keep that in mind, and your incredible support, on the hard days 🙂

  9. Becci,
    This is a great post. I have tears in my eyes. You are so awesome and so strong. I am in awe of your writting ability and the courage to write the truth. You are ready and you can do this. I hope to see you soon. Love, Kim

    • Thank you so much, Kim! It helped me a lot to just lay it all out there. We definitely need to make plans soon!

  10. I am… so proud of you. Bec you are an incredible human being. I am so grateful to have had the chance to get to know you over the years and become friends. You’re courage and strength are awe-inspiring to everyone who knows you. The road may be long and winding but I hope you know that you are never walking alone.

  11. I’ve begun this comment six times and I still can’t get it right for what that made me feel, how much I connect with it and how very proud I am of you for saying it. Just know I may be the furthest away but I love you very much and always. Xoxo

  12. Yay, you! I’ve been in your shoes (and your airplane seat). I’m not “there” yet either, wherever “there” is, but getting there, down over 50 pounds. We both can fight this, even when it feels like the hardest thing ever and a never-ending battle.

    (Can I give two unsolicited tips that may or may not work for you? 1) Keep track of little changes, like good workouts or compliments or new abilities. I was thrilled when I could cross my legs again. 2) There’s a book, Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. She understands.)

    One day at a time, and one struggle at a time. That’s all we can ask for.

    Yay, you!

  13. I know we’ve talked at length about this, via text and such, but i just wanted to say, publicly:

    You are amazing.
    You are beautiful.
    You are STRONG.

    You’ve got this, babe. Baby steps.

    Love you.

    • Love you, so much. You’re texts were the first reactions I was able to look at, and they were perfect <3

  14. I am new to this blog, so I almost feel like I don’t have a right to say anything since I don’t really “know” you. However, I can offer a huge hug and tell you that you CAN do this and that you have already taken the first steps by writing this post. <3 to you and best of luck in the journey ahead.

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